Good vibes coming your way! Smile!
Sometimes we all go through rough times, we all experience pain, loss or grieve but regardless, when comes to these feelings, well it's hard, it's so damn hard and it's only up to ourselves and ourselves only to get up, shake it off and move on with our own lives. Not just so long ago, I too have experienced once again some pretty rough waves going on and on in my life, soul, heart, and mind. And I kept on wondering over and over again why and what should I do different this time? How do I overcome everything without letting it affect me? Stress is terrifying, stress can eat you alive and you don't even realise it until it's already well set crawling inside your veins.
I started rewinding my entire life and down points to see what actions I took in the past, what worked, what didn't work and writing it all down, I realized that I actually didn't do anything in particular but just simply moved on, breathe on and took one day at a time. This actually led to patterns and repetitive mistakes/behaviour. Wrong! Oh, so wrong!
I am no expert, God is my witness but I know this now: It took me some years to realise that if you don't love and pay attention to yourself and you're in a constant battle and on the clock self-pressure, to achieve either somebody else's dreams, either so-called society's rules - that you should be married by x age, have kids by x age and so on – either pleasing everybody around but yourself no, you end up so miserable, unsatisfied, unhappy and confused about your own identity or life. Each wave that occurred in my life taught me something and the most recent crisis put me really down. I just couldn't figure out what was the lesson this time, what did I do wrong?
I found myself crying daily, alone, in a weird and very difficult country, depressed, lonely, confused about who I am and what happened to my unique vibrant self, scared and worried about future in all means. I took it all in so deep that even watching a comedy made me cry and felt sad about it. I started doing the worst mistake a human can do, I started comparing myself with others and made a full list of questions of why I don't have/feel/do/know what "x" and "y" have/feel/do/know etc. Oh God, I was terrified and a part of me still is, in all my vulnerability I am saying it out loud! I had dark moments, straight jacket moments if you know what I mean. I didn't know what to do and how to get out of it until one day, when I was sitting on a gorgeous beach in Maldives, all by myself, staring at the sun above and listening to waves crashing onto the shore.
When I felt I couldn't bare anything anymore and an alarm system triggered in my whole body, I booked a ticket to Maldives, I had a good friend there - Hi Marta! Hugs baby! .. and it was the best decision I ever made for myself in my entire life. I needed it, so badly.
Traveling alone made me see many things more clear, spending time with myself made me hug my soul and say to it: "It will be ok, have faith!" While I was sitting on that beautiful white beach, my friend working and looking around at the magnificent little piece of paradise, few tears rolled over my cheeks but this time happy tears, I was smiling, smiling from inside my soul, I was content, I felt great and remembered all the things I should be grateful for and indeed I started to say thanks to God for keeping me alive, health, the genuine love I have in my heart, food, people that care about me, weather, sun, clouds, fresh air, Brene's Brown book "The gifts of imperfection" (great book by the way!), birds, job, opportunities, challenges, water everything. I felt grateful for everything, I felt human in all my imperfection. I felt the touch of God in my heart and soul. Felt all the fear melt away and calm coming in. I felt JOY for the first time in my life!
So what if I am weird and I make mistakes? So what if that or this? Who decides what is weird or normal? Life is now and this second right now won’t come back. Every little person I have met, every experience led me to where and who I am right now. And I am proud to be standing, smiling! My fight was and is to find and love myself, allow myself to be present and this is what I will pay attention to from now on. For me! I realised I don’t need “somebody” to make me happy, that’s my job! We all have our own journey and you should love yourself for exactly who you are, be kind to yourself because then and only then, the right things and people will all fall into place! Reward yourself, as much and as often as you can with whatever you can, whatever you have on your bucket list, find that amazing you and let it out! Let it out to breathe! Stop living somebody else’s dream but build your own.
Allow yourself to be, now!
No matter what you are going through, in a couple of years, you will look back at this and it won't matter, you'll probably say: Oh heck, why was I so worried? Why did I waste so much energy on it? And why not doing something for yourself, whatever that might mean, even if it's spending all your savings on a trip that you always dreamed about doing, sitting in silence under the shadow of a tree, a great book, a long walk, a long sleep with no alarm, and a fake "sick leave" from work just to do nothing at home. If you need a break, take it. If you need to cry, cry until you have no tears left. If you need food for comfort, go out on a date with yourself. Whatever will make you and only you feel better, help place a smile on your face, comfort your pain, DO IT! I dare you to be kind with yourself. And for God’s sake stop caring about what others think, do whatever you want! They don’t!
And SMILE! Remember to smile always!